March 30, 2009
this post is related to:
http://l337m4st3r.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!5092BE18937DB52C!254.entry
http://darylmusashi.wordpress.com/2009/02/25/34/
I’d rant, but that wouldn’t solve anything. As lately I am troubled with various kinds of dreams and nightmares, my mind had its share of hard work for the month. The fact of Eugénie failed to start up in a merry friday morning is, I guess, much pertinent to this turn of event. If you ask me what I am doing now, I’d answer, I’m psychoanalyzing myself. No, dear audience, I’m ranting.
Few of the series of the dream include gore and violence; this alone is alarming enough for me. Certain figures that appear, all the possible symbolisms the dream revealed, oh, God, it’s tiring! Also relevant to my mental exhaustion are certain people SAYING THINGS THEY DON’T MEAN, HELL, THEY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
Figure number one: a friend of mine, heh, she’s the one I talked about in the Live Space entry (link posted). An interesting figure indeed. After a few kicks of cocktails, our conversation diverged and reconverged to a sensitive topic. It was not until I said, quoting the famous movie The Godfather with some alteration, “Make an offer I cannot refuse,” did she reveal her doubt on the topic. Well, she got me thinking, she did. And it was unpleasant, to feel being toyed around. The topic was too sensitive that, if I had the power to insist, I would not have let her change her mind. The thing to blame was cocktail. Fuck that, it was her, alright.
Figure number two: one of my _acquaintance_. They had a malicious attempt. Which failed. But I’m still surprised, that they would go that far.. that person.. unbelievable, almost. Almost.
Figure number three: someone had decided to take a sentimental approach to persuation. I… don’t know what to say.
Figure number four: a certain someone. That could have been able to do more than she did, but decided to blame me, completely ignoring the possibility of a better state she could have brought to us.
What is this thing that people believe that they have every right to probe into an emotional situation? I just don’t get it. The adjective should be self-explanatory. Not that I never tried to, but people that had tried to must immediately realize that it is, in fact, useless. If it ever succeed then it is only by nothing more than chance.
Speculation corresponds to reality by nothing more than chance. “Because time and space is not continuous.” – Mikuru Asahina
So you want your self-satisfaction you think you can gain from having done something instead of having done nothing at all. Okay, have it. But I must remind you that doing nothing at all is still better than having done something wrong, in most cases. Please do reflect.
For the readers that think this entry will eventually converge to one conclusion, give up that hope. This is a random rant.
Look, if you want to say something, reflect on the importance of your statement to your audience. For example, a statement that gives hope will bring despair when no actions follow. Such as, offering assistance. Seriously, this thing is annoying. If you are thinking of offering a favor, think carefully about the implications explicitly and implicitly defined within the favor. If these implications are more than you can allow, then you may want to consider telling them about it in advance, because they will assume that you are willing to bear the consequences not previously specified. It is very disappointing to see you retract your offer or complain about it. Weren’t you the one who started the whole business? You could have turned a blind eye, you know, and although disappointment is sometimes unavoidable, at least in the stage when verbal commitment has yet to take place the magnitude is much smaller. Significantly smaller. A matter of trust and doubt. A matter of life and death. Sometimes. As I have aforementioned, doing nothing is better than having done something wrong. And what you are doing, that is wrong.
The next topic. Prejudice. Prejudice, prejudice, prejudice. I admit that sometimes my intention is inconspicuous, but if you give a little ponder it is well-defined. Seriously, I get very, very, very very disappointed when someone misjudged me. Worse when they’re people who I trusted. But I guess it’s true.
Good deeds are hardest kept silent.
I did say it’s well defined. If you really trust me then see those fine lines. You’ll see that everything that I’ve done lies inside the definition. I think a lot, and I think hard, to make these actions because sometimes there is a necessity to look like I’m doing something I don’t. There must be a good cause.
There’s another thing I believe in. And the ultimate, or at least penultimate, cause of my exhaustion is that someone does not.
Love is naturally artificial.
If only. If only.
