May 4, 2009
which of your words should i trust?
should i trust the ones that you said to me, because you were saying them to me, therefore they are what you want me to hear?
should i trust the ones that you said to others about me, because you didn’t know that i would hear them, therefore they would be a truer reflection of your heart?
but what is, ‘true’, reflection?
what is not?
what if they are both true?
well, there’s something they have in common; they were both heartbreaking
April 6, 2009
i’m sad
i’m a curious person
i’m aware that curiosity will end in tragedy
i’m not a mental masochist
i’m questioning myself in regular basis if i could have done a different thing and chosen not to pursue the truth
i’m capable of doing the right thing at the right time to the right person
i’m not stupid enough as to do something i know for sure will hurt you
i’m disappointed by the fact that nothing that i do can reassure you of my good intention although i have no idea to what or to whom the disappointment is directed at
i’m asking you to see the line i drew to limit myself
i’m asking you to see if i ever crossed the line
i’m not a fan of repetition or any of those tedious jobs
i’m dripping tears without full consent of my mind for the first time in years
i might be indecisive
but i’m consistent
are you?
March 30, 2009
this post is related to:
http://l337m4st3r.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!5092BE18937DB52C!254.entry
http://darylmusashi.wordpress.com/2009/02/25/34/
I’d rant, but that wouldn’t solve anything. As lately I am troubled with various kinds of dreams and nightmares, my mind had its share of hard work for the month. The fact of Eugénie failed to start up in a merry friday morning is, I guess, much pertinent to this turn of event. If you ask me what I am doing now, I’d answer, I’m psychoanalyzing myself. No, dear audience, I’m ranting.
Few of the series of the dream include gore and violence; this alone is alarming enough for me. Certain figures that appear, all the possible symbolisms the dream revealed, oh, God, it’s tiring! Also relevant to my mental exhaustion are certain people SAYING THINGS THEY DON’T MEAN, HELL, THEY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND.
Figure number one: a friend of mine, heh, she’s the one I talked about in the Live Space entry (link posted). An interesting figure indeed. After a few kicks of cocktails, our conversation diverged and reconverged to a sensitive topic. It was not until I said, quoting the famous movie The Godfather with some alteration, “Make an offer I cannot refuse,” did she reveal her doubt on the topic. Well, she got me thinking, she did. And it was unpleasant, to feel being toyed around. The topic was too sensitive that, if I had the power to insist, I would not have let her change her mind. The thing to blame was cocktail. Fuck that, it was her, alright.
Figure number two: one of my _acquaintance_. They had a malicious attempt. Which failed. But I’m still surprised, that they would go that far.. that person.. unbelievable, almost. Almost.
Figure number three: someone had decided to take a sentimental approach to persuation. I… don’t know what to say.
Figure number four: a certain someone. That could have been able to do more than she did, but decided to blame me, completely ignoring the possibility of a better state she could have brought to us.
What is this thing that people believe that they have every right to probe into an emotional situation? I just don’t get it. The adjective should be self-explanatory. Not that I never tried to, but people that had tried to must immediately realize that it is, in fact, useless. If it ever succeed then it is only by nothing more than chance.
Speculation corresponds to reality by nothing more than chance. “Because time and space is not continuous.” – Mikuru Asahina
So you want your self-satisfaction you think you can gain from having done something instead of having done nothing at all. Okay, have it. But I must remind you that doing nothing at all is still better than having done something wrong, in most cases. Please do reflect.
For the readers that think this entry will eventually converge to one conclusion, give up that hope. This is a random rant.
Look, if you want to say something, reflect on the importance of your statement to your audience. For example, a statement that gives hope will bring despair when no actions follow. Such as, offering assistance. Seriously, this thing is annoying. If you are thinking of offering a favor, think carefully about the implications explicitly and implicitly defined within the favor. If these implications are more than you can allow, then you may want to consider telling them about it in advance, because they will assume that you are willing to bear the consequences not previously specified. It is very disappointing to see you retract your offer or complain about it. Weren’t you the one who started the whole business? You could have turned a blind eye, you know, and although disappointment is sometimes unavoidable, at least in the stage when verbal commitment has yet to take place the magnitude is much smaller. Significantly smaller. A matter of trust and doubt. A matter of life and death. Sometimes. As I have aforementioned, doing nothing is better than having done something wrong. And what you are doing, that is wrong.
The next topic. Prejudice. Prejudice, prejudice, prejudice. I admit that sometimes my intention is inconspicuous, but if you give a little ponder it is well-defined. Seriously, I get very, very, very very disappointed when someone misjudged me. Worse when they’re people who I trusted. But I guess it’s true.
Good deeds are hardest kept silent.
I did say it’s well defined. If you really trust me then see those fine lines. You’ll see that everything that I’ve done lies inside the definition. I think a lot, and I think hard, to make these actions because sometimes there is a necessity to look like I’m doing something I don’t. There must be a good cause.
There’s another thing I believe in. And the ultimate, or at least penultimate, cause of my exhaustion is that someone does not.
Love is naturally artificial.
If only. If only.
March 1, 2009
Confession Of A Weary Heart
A long road goes far as I can see
This right eye sees you on the other end
I’m not wishing to get close to you,
no, I won’t run to you again now
Wasn’t it not long ago that you passed me by?
without a word to say
without a thing to do
It’s too much, things that I am seeing now
The left one sees only past, the stupid past,
the times when you still have the place to say
to do, to let, the things that make me be
Wasn’t it not long ago that you left me behind?
Well, now you’re doing fine
Well, now you don’t need me
Anymore
But the colors that you left me with
stained my dreams and paint my tears
Hello? You should have warned me
that you never meant to be
Then I hope that you are happy now
Else, what is this heart broken for?
Don’t feel guilty, hell, as if that brings us any good
Look away, look away, go
edit: note: this entry is now a song
February 25, 2009
when i sat down
closed my eyes to think
i see my whole world crumpling, crumbling down in front of me, giving me the stare of blame, giving me an infinite guilt; but this is not the first time i see such, the sight is much of a déjà vu reminding me of something i witnessed not so long ago; i would have never deserved that guilt, i would have never deserved that stare , if i hadn’t willingly surrendered my heart and gave in to the malicious random thoughts that come to my mind on regular basis; this time it’s the world that i would let down, and that is more than i can allow, because while the world kept on blessing me with everything i need, all you’ve ever given to me was transient solace and endless anxiety; i swear that you’re almost everything that i ever wanted, but you, you, i cannot afford you; this decimated heart will always remind me that
and that is why i walked away
i never meant to be rude
i never want to be seen as rude
but i know you will think that i am
well, i can’t help it
this is the only way that you would comply
we’re both unwell, and you should realize that
rubbing and pressing the wound would never heal it
it’s too damn deep inside
the cure is beyond us
you give me loneliness
but what i get is solitude
and a man does think
hey..
i trust the world
and if you really are what i need, the world will take you to me
October 7, 2008
can’t help but be angry to myself whenever I see the stupid posts I’ve dedicated for someone so undeserving… the painful words I said without care to someone who cares for me the most…
when I think about the things that have happened… the ones I knew of and the ones I used to not know of back then… I understand that us breaking up is an eventuality… but now, I swear that there is nothing I won’t forgive… although I know I’m not the one to forgive…
the tears replace the words I could no longer say to you… the words that, when I say to another, they don’t ring true…
how much longer will I have to fool myself?
April 23, 2008
untitled 6
oh.. i was just calling her.. just.. like.. wanna hear her voice.. i know she could have been asleep.. but.. i couldn’t help it.. i should have known better than calling her up so late..
and i am pissed about why they would make topping up cellphone online so complicated.. some people are just trying to make an important call.. or trying to make a call to an important person.. just let them be.. man..
but her reaction was very least expected by me.. i never thought she would send an overstretched message.. on how she needs sleep.. she needs sleep.. but she could have been nicer to me..
fine then i just will never call again after 10.. it will be hard because i was used to it.. but this is my new life.. what kind of man cannot get used to his own new life?
i should be strong..
Pradipta Ariyo Bhaskoro Hendri is strong..
Pradipta = ray
Ariyo = prince
Bhaskoro = sun
Hendri = alternate spelling for the French throne family Henry
my name implies the guy, me, to be such a grandeur individual.. i should try to act in a way i deserve my own name.. i deserve my name.. i do..
and then again i thought of how she has changed me into a far, far, far better man.. a better man.. she does something to me that i can’t explain.. so would i be out of line if i say i miss her?
March 25, 2008
untitled 5
it was just a simple little thing.. she held my hand when we slept..
just so simple.. but..
i’d kill the person who called her, made her wake up and not back again.. but i know it’s not that person’s fault.. i think it’s stupid to kill someone over a random phone call..
still.. i felt something so weird..
something maybe people call love..
June 16, 2009
Enneagram Personality Test
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